A letter to my younger self

Dear Beth, 

First and foremost; You’ll hate it when people tell you this. But it will get better. 

Just because some people commented on how much you ate or that you were a different size to them doesn’t make you any less deserving of love. It’ll say more about them than it does about you. You don’t have to restrict what you eat. But you will. You’ll struggle with this for a long time (you still do). 

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You’ll get your heart broken by a boy you’ll hardly speak to in person. You’ll give him your all. Again and again. You’ll eventually learn that he’s bad news and remove him from your life. 

You’ll swear you won’t ever drink or smoke or take drugs. You will. You’ll like it. You’ll waste money on cheap cigarettes and even cheaper vodka. You’ll spend many nights in a daze with friends (and strangers) and there are many more to come. 

You’ll learn that the people you went to school with aren’t the kind of people you want in your life. You’ll learn that social media isn’t something to make you feel bad about the toxic people/place you'll work so hard to leave. You’ll unfollow many people. They’ll get mad. It’s ok. You’ll learn to curate your feed in a positive way. 

You’ll get your heartbroken again by the boy you can’t seem to stop fighting with. He’ll become your best friend. You’ll keep fighting with him until the day it ends. You’ll give everything to him as well. He’ll say that he’ll give you everything. He won’t. He’ll try tell you that you can’t do certain things. You’ll dump his sorry ass and do them and you’ll love yourself for it. 

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You’ll struggle. a lot. You’ll feel like everyone is out to get you. They’re not. You’ll travel across the world (more than once) to get away from this feeling. It won’t work but you’ll learn a lot about yourself along the way. 

You’ll drift away from people. Friends will come and go. People who you spoke to everyday will become strangers. Seeing them again will be weird. You won’t know what to say. You’ll learn to let go. You’ll look back on these memories fondly but you’ll understand that you’re in a different phase of your life now. You’ll wish them the best. 

You’ll move out then move back then move out again. You’ll become the person you said you’d never be. You’ll do things you said you’d never do. You’ll ruin relationships. You’ll be tempted to return to old ways. You’ll have ups and downs. You’ll look in the mirror and hate what you see. You’ll look in the mirror and love what you see. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll do amazing things. You’ll be selfless. You’ll be selfish. 

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You’ll be a different person every day. You’ll be a human contradiction. 

 

But most importantly... You’ll learn and you’ll grow. 

 

With endless love,

Your Older Self

Musings, HealBeth LeeseComment